You can relate
# There are two sides to every divorce . . . Yours and Shithead's.
# The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
# Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'
# I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
# I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
# Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
# I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
# The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
# If life deals you lemons, make lemonade . . if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
# I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
# Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
# I am a nobody.. Nobody is perfect ... and therefore I am perfect.
# Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
# That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'
# No one ever says 'It's only a game!!' when their team is winning.
# Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
# How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
# Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
# Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
# Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Courtesy link because I stole the whole fucking post: Jonco.
Labels: humor
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