Parenting

These have sorta piled up on me. Maybe this category was a bad idea.

If you get bored, be sure to drop down to the last 3. Its worth the trip.

From Absolutely Bananas.

This is the conversation that CJ and I had last night over dinner.

CJ: You're dumb.

Me: Don't say that. that's not nice. We don't say people are dumb.

CJ: No, you told me to say 'dumb' instead of 'stupid.'

So I did. Hmmm...

Me: Yeah, but you don't call people dumb. It hurts their feelings. You wouldn't like it if I called you dumb, would you?

CJ: I AM dumb.

Me: No you're not. Don't say that.

CJ: I'm stupid. (satisfied smirk)

There are days where I really don't think I'm smart enough to be this child's mother.

From Overheard at the Beach.

Four-year-old boy: Wild for penis! Wild for penis! Wild for penis!

--Long Island Beach Club, Long Island, New York

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Father pointing to ocean: Hey, John, look at the dolphins! [Seven-year-old boy looks around, not seeing them.] You're missing them! You're missing them like you miss everything! You're just like your mother!

--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

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Drunk mother: So, do... When we should send the kids to bed?
Drunk father: Well, the older one can stay up later tonight... What the fuck is that kid's name...?
Drunk mother: Brianna?
Drunk father: Who the hell...? I mean, Sabrina.
Drunk mother: You're holding Sabrina.
Drunk father: Cassie! Send the other two to bed in an hour or so, but Cassie can stay up later. [Baby in his arms starts to cry.] Shut the hell up, Cheyenne.

--Beach campground, Mindon, Ontario, Canada

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12-year-old girl: Mom! She's throwing up pickles in the pool!

--Ixtapa, Mexico

From Overheard in New York.

Little boy: Daddy, why did you yell at that man?
Dad: Because he's an asshole! ... Like your brother!

--Penn Station

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11-year-old boy #1 playing with toy gun: You fucked my mom in the ass! [Makes shooting noises, then ducks.]
11-year-old boy #2, nervous, to perplexed passerby: Uhhh, he wasn't talking to you...

--10th & 7th, Park Slope

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Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you'd be my bitch!

--Hudson & Christopher

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Mother to toddler son: Now, honey, close your eyes. This isn't for you.

--Frederick's of Hollywood, King's Plaza

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Little girl in stroller pointing to Bodies Exhibit poster: Mama, what's that?
Mom: That's what the inside of your body looks like. That's what your heart looks like. I don't know what everything else is.
Little girl: Where's all the blood?
Mom: Well, I guess they drained the blood. Isn't it pretty?

--LIRR, Penn Station

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Six-year-old girl pointing to painting of naked man: I like that one!
Mom: You would.

--Brooklyn Museum

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Child: Mommy! Mommy! [Pointing at track worker] Look, that man is going to kill himself.
Mom: No, honey, he is just fixing the tracks so we don't crash with another train.
Child: So that means he is saving our lives by risking his. What a dumbass!

--7 train

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Wailing six-year-old boy: But whyyy?!
Mom: Well, I know, honey, but kick him in the shins, don't kick him in the balls!

--Prince & Broadway

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Mom: Well, now we're all going to visit Grandma.
Anxious child: No, Mommy! I don't want to go to the hospital!
Mom: But we're going to visit Grandma today...
Anxious child, screaming: No! I don't want to go to the hospital! People urinate on the floor!
Mom: Everyone can hear you!

--1 train

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Mother: You have to cut her chicken fingers up. I gave her a whole one the other day and she almost choked to death.
Father: I like for her to learn to take bites.
Mother: She's not ready.
Two-year-old daughter: I'm not ready, Dad.

--Diner, Midtown

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Little boy: Mom, how did the dinosaurs cook their meat?
Mother: They didn't, they ate it raw.
Little boy: Oh. [Long pause.] Are Japanese people dinosaurs?

--Astoria Park

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Six-year-old to guy stranger while hiding behind mother on cell: Hi.
20-something guy: Hello...
Six-year-old, grabbing guy's hand: Hi.
20 something guy, confused: Hello...
Six-year-old to mom: I picked one!
Mom: You picked what? No! I told you that you could pick out the stamps, not a person! Put him back!

--Post office

Mom to toddler screaming in stroller: That's it, sweetie. Let it all out. Doesn't that feel good?

--TJ Maxx, 19th & 6th

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Mom to toddler: Joseph, stop walking like a tourist!

--51st & 5th

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Mother to toddler running into automatic revolving door: You best not hurt yourself or I will fuck you up!

--Port Authority

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Man to child in stroller: ... Then we push her over the edge of the cliff. That's called getting even!

--President & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

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Mother to three-year-old daughter: Hey, it's Santa on the phone. And you know what he says? Stop taking my credit cards.

--Metro-North train

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Mom to two small children struggling to get through the crowd: Just push them all as hard as you can! Use your fists and elbows, too!

--34th & 6th

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Father hand-in-hand with seven-year-old boy who's singing national anthem: That's right, sing it loud and sing it wrong.

--Times Square

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Six-year old boy: Mom, what's that?
Loud mother in cheery voice: That's your prostate!

--Bodies exhibit, South St Seaport

Actually this one isn't funny to me. I've never seen anything wrong with using correct medical terms when talking to a child. Boys don't have "wieners", they have penises.

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Teacher: When you grow up you can be anything you want!
Second grader: I can be an elephant?!

--P.S. 121

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Little girl after dropping lollipop: Shit!
Mother: Madison!
Little girl: What? It's not like I said 'fuck'!

--Dylan's Candy Bar

From Overheard in the Office.

Teacher: Can you tell me what states I might find on the West coast of the United States?
Student: The big one on the bottom. Mexico is part of the United States.
Teacher: No, that is wrong. Mexico is a country, try again.
Student: Look, my parents live here and they said we're American and they came from Mexico. It's part of the United States.
Teacher: I am telling you, you are wrong. Mexico is a country -- it has its own government.
Student: Look, if it was its own country then why is everyone just walking over here? That's what I did and I'm still here.
Another student pulls out cell: Not for long.

School, Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada