You can relate

Just tell me none of these pertain to you. And don't lie to me.

# There are two sides to every divorce . . . Yours and Shithead's.

# The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

# Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'

# I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

# I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

# Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

# I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

# The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

# If life deals you lemons, make lemonade . . if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

# I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

# Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

# I am a nobody.. Nobody is perfect ... and therefore I am perfect.

# Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

# That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

# No one ever says 'It's only a game!!' when their team is winning.

# Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

# How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

# Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

# Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

# Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Courtesy link because I stole the whole fucking post: Jonco.