This just in….

You're having a bad day?

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Pudding robbery

Without shame I steal this whole fucking post. You won't believe the ending.

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller
safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.”

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit , each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING…

Yes I'm sick, but apparently not the only one out there.

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Sad Kitty

Damn you!

Hey. I'm just kidding. K.

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Tit for tat

Ya gotta treat New Yorkers like they expect to be treated or not.

Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to MoMA from here?
Suit: Fuck you, what do I look...
Tourist, indignantly interrupting: No, fuck you, you motherfucking piece of shit. You don't want to answer, you say "I don't know". All you New Yorkers are a bunch of cock-sucking assholes.
[Suit, stunned, gives directions.]
Bystander to tourist: Where did you learn to do that?
Tourist: The Midwest.

Never give short shrift to the Midwesterners.

--Outside the Guggenheim

Love bite

In my wildest, demented dreams I could never make up this shit.

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Unintended results

Be absolutely clear when asking for sprinkles.

Say, "On that donut." or "On my ice cream."

Do NOT say, "I would like sprinkles."

Missing Cape Cod lighthouse located in California

And no one fucking noticed? Just asking.

Local historians for decades thought the 30-foot (9m) tall lighthouse that once overlooked Wellfleet Harbor [Eastern US coast] had been taken down and destroyed in 1925.

Turns out, it had just been moved to the California coast [Western US - approximately 3,000mi (482803200cm)]. Hahaha. Just fucking with ya. Its about 4828km.

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Flori-duh

And I always wanted to pet one. Now, with the high price of gas and this sign. Damn. Not in Florida.

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Not too fast now

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Be warned

If you can read this you're in range.

Wanna move on?

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In the elevator

Yes, I will get serious. Just not for now.

This guy’s in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, “Ballroom please.”

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

I think a fucking rim shot is in order here.

Jesus H Christ on the comedy circuit, but that's a goddamn lame joke. I have no idea why I think its funny.

But I do.

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GE - We bring strange things to life

Huh?

Yes teh serious is coming. Its right around the bend if I can get away from this fucking Bits and Pieces site.

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Restroom signs

OK, teh serious is coming. Be patient. K?

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Wisdom of 6 year-olds

Hey, I'll get serious pretty soon. That's a promise.

1. Don’t change horses………………….until they stop running.
2. Strike while the……………………………..bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before………………Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of…………………termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but………………….how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.
7. No news is………………………………impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a…………………………….Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new………………..math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…………stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust………………………………….me.
12. The pen is mightier than the……………………..pigs.
13. An idle mind is………………………the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s……………………….pollution.
15. Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is…………………………………not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s………………………..the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as…………………….Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed………………get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you…….see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind……………..get out of the way.
25. Better late than………………………………….pregnant.

Ya gotta love the little fuckers. Every damn one of these is a gem.

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Fart Market

Uh, I think I'll pass on this one. I have all the farts I need.

Jesus H Christ with flatulence, what is it with these people?

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'Make the Pie Higher' by George W. Bush

I stealed the following with no shame or remorse whatsoever from Big Shot Bob in Texas.

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?

Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.

I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!

Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize society!

Make the pie higher!

Make the pie higher!

What the fuck "make the pie higher" means only makes sense in the moron's mind.

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Count your blessings

Ya think you have it bad?

In addition to intermittent ISP access. I have a toilet that won't flush, a tap that won't turn off, dogs that won't stop barking unless they're licking me, a missing stand for my skeleton (30"), super glue on my fingers, a wife who is missing (could be worse), no money and bathroom tissue with no perforations.

That last one really pisses me off.

Just match all that.

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The basement

Teh scary.

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Taliban dating

Personally, I find Frogh HOT!

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