SPIIDERWEB™ is here to save the day

John Thain (grabbing for more)

OK, here's my plan. I'm open to offers from any company. Will attend no meetings nor go on any junkets nor require a company car, airplane, fancy office. I'll shop a lot at supermarkets and department stores where I'll press those in charge to take money from your company by way of loans. In addition I'll bake and sell cookies to bring in more money and even add a "donate" button on the company website.

In my spare time I'll lay-off or off-load hundreds, hell, thousands, of people (not you).

And you get all of this for 3 years at the remarkably low price of $2,003 net per month with no annual bonuses (health care with dental and optical included). At the end of the 3 years you will pay me $1m net in severance pay. You have to admit you won't find a better deal than that.

Shit. I'll even bring my own lunch.

I'm waiting for your email.

John Thain is getting a second chance.

CIT Group Inc., the lender that is trying to regain its former stature after almost collapsing during the financial industry crisis, said late Sunday it has hired the former Merrill Lynch & Co. CEO as its chairman and chief executive.

Thain is also trying to repair his own image. He brokered Merrill's sale to Bank of America Corp. as the credit crisis peaked in the fall of 2008, but was forced to resign after the deal closed because of controversy over employee bonus payments and mounting losses at the investment bank.

CIT, which lends to more than 3,000 businesses including supermarkets and department stores, went through bankruptcy reorganization late last year after it failed to restructure billions of dollars in debt. It was also hurt by rising loan losses as more customers fell behind on repaying loans.

Thain, 54, is taking over a company that has seen its business shrink dramatically as customers fled. He'll have to find a way to bring in new customers. And he'll have to find new sources of funding because short-term lending known as commercial paper essentially disappeared during the credit crisis and has yet to revive.